Improving My Conflict Skills

Conflict is something that I avoid at all cost most of the time. I do not like confrontation and the conflicts that I have experienced are usually fueled with negative feelings, intolerance, or even violence. I am currently not working. My first day of work will be on Monday so I do not have any work related conflicts to share. So I have decided to speak about a conflict that is currently ongoing with my parents.

I have a sister who is ten years younger than I and she has a 4 year old little girl. My sister is what most would consider an unfit mother. She is young and worries mostly about herself or the image of. At least 90% of my niece’s time is spent in a day care or with my parents. However the conflict arose when my parents moved to where my family is currently living and that is too far for them to care for my niece. To make a long story sort, my sister cannot hold a job, has different men moving in every 3-6 months, she is verbally abusive, and she is neglectful. My niece is unhealthy, has no discipline, and it is questionable whether or not she could be diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, or something similar. I could go on and on about the ways her development is being neglected, but the bottom line is she has not stability and needs a healthy environment.

The conflict and issue is that my parents are consistently enabling my sister to be the type of mother that she is. They fear what could happen to my niece so they always feel that the best option is to just do as my sister wishes. My parents have struggled with the worry they hold for my niece and what to do with their own lives. My parents are not healthy and need to worry about taking care of themselves, however they have not lived for themselves for at least the past four years. I have warned my parents that this issue is going to continue to grow if there is not something done. I have tried to explain to them the precious time they are losing with my niece’s development and how it is going to affect her future. I myself fear that one day I will get the phone call that something horrible has happened to my niece. For example, about a year ago I received a call that my sister was rushing my niece to the Emergency room. My sister was living with one of her boyfriends and she had a friend over. The story goes that my sister went into the restroom and the friend did not watch my niece who was three at the time. My niece then had enough time to go into a bedroom and find a bottle of pills and possibly swallow some of them. Yes you might think to yourself that this could have possibly been an accident. However, less than six months later, this same friend was babysitting for my sister and the same thing occurred and they were once again at the ER.

Recently, my parents were upset about living farther away and my sister putting my niece in child care for 15 hour days. My parents then decided maybe it would be a good idea that they would do a shared parenting deal with my sister. They would keep my niece for a week and then my sister would have her for a week. I thought that this had many negative consequences if played out. A few would be that she would be starting school soon and this scenario would not be possible. Also, my niece needs some stability in her life and that is not how she is going to find it. When she has to leave my house she literally, physically, wraps herself around my leg and does not want to leave. Can you imagine if my parents have to do this every other week?

I have learned a few things this week about how to deal with this conflict. I have learned that even though this is a very emotional subject for me, I cannot let that control how I handle the situation. The Third Side has taught me how to redirect and use prevention, resolve, and containment when a conflict has arisen. I know that this conflict is going to remain, it is my choice how to deal with it. I have learned that if I come armed with educated information I get farther with my knowledge. What I mean by this is that even if my parents still do not agree with me after they have read educated material I have a sense of peace knowing I did what I could. The NVC discusses the concept of human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving. If my parents and I can see that both of us are compassionate about the issue and want to help we can come to a middle ground. We both care deeply about the well-being of my niece and so this is why our emotions can get the best of us. If we both can recognize that we both want what is best for her we can work together to figure out how to help.